Filed under: Cup of Sweet and Bitter Musings, Glimpses of an Old Life in a New Place
I’ve been having too many lattes recently. That’s a bad sign.
In my former days as editorial supervisor in Manila, I stop by Starbucks frequently in the morning when I’m bummed about something or when I’m feeling low (not depressed because frankly, I don’t think I’ve ever been depressed… not that I want to be). The simple latte or the White Chocolate Mocha became my comfort drink during uh, stressful times. I wanted to start my morning with a jolt of sweetened caffeine just to perk me up for the day. There were times that I got really sad for consecutive days prompting an office mate to quip that I’m rich because I go to work with a latte on hand almost everyday. If only she knew that I didn’t mean to make it a routine. I didn’t want to feel blah.
To say that I’m down in the dumps lately is an insult to the life I have now. I should not even have the right to feel this way, considering the latest happenings in the lives of my countrymen. Who am I to whine? I was not even there in the Philippines when typhoon Ondoy wrecked Manila and nearby provinces. I was sad to see the destruction but I’m relieved the sisters, relatives, and friends are safe. It was typhoon Pepeng which agitated me more. It was my home province that was devastated by this stubborn typhoon. To think that my grandparents are the only ones living in our “ancestral” house now. The question that came to my mind when I heard that water entered our property was “What the hell am I doing here when I should have been there with them?!” You see, I grew up with my grandparents and leaving them to pursue a life away from them is something I will never forgive myself for. I’m sure they understand me but sometimes, I feel guilty. The bridge that connects La Union and Pangasinan is impassable right now. It’s as if Northern Luzon and the rest of the Mountain Province were disconnected from Luzon. And I feel I disconnected myself from my roots since I left.
It’s not just the physical distance that I’m disconnected with now. I’m also talking about the core of myself. (Shet, deep!) When I went here here in Saudi Arabia, I met lots of Filipinos. It’s been like an extension of the Philippines. Filipinos everywhere. But it felt like these Filipinos are no longer my own. During the first few months that I was here, I felt so different. My views, beliefs, and values… they have no place here. It’s a good thing my father kept his thus I felt I belong. But he is family so I really belong from the beginning. Some say that circumstances and the environment can change a person and I know by now that it did change me. I was thrown out into a world with perspectives and values that I do not believe in. I encounter more and more persons who only live for their selves, and not for their families. People who only think of what they want and need. People who only think of their happiness. But really, what they’re doing… is that wrong? Isn’t it the purpose of this life? To find our own happiness?
I discovered that I am the kind of person who takes into account the happiness of others first so the excuse “gusto ko lang maging masaya kahit na alam kong may masasaktan akong iba” is not a frakkin’ valid excuse for me. I know I am selfish when it comes to material things (and I justify that by my being “single,” LOL) but when it comes to the feelings of others, I do not take into consideration what I feel. I’m being heartful and heartless at the same time. Heartful for others but heartless for myself. I emphatize with others but I do not want to feel for me. I’m not sure what to call this. Insanity perhaps? Apathy? Anyway, that sort of took a turn. Recently, I had this stubborn urge to ignore the feelings of someone because “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” but I’m being torn apart inside by my conscience, my values, my beliefs. But I chose to ignore to discover what is it like on the other side. What if I consider my feelings first this time? Like why do I have to be so understanding and considerate?! Maybe, while doing so, I can discover who I really am because frankly, at this point in time, I have no idea anymore.
My core is shakened but I assure you, it’s not shattered. Hopefully when I get back and face all of you again, I hope you’ll see in me a maturity, a growth, a change that will surprise you but will make you proud.
Need to finish this latte for now.
No Comments so far
Leave a comment
Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
