Almost Grasped, But Not Quite

Across the Desert and Into the Sun.

The sky falls down like a huge cloak enveloping everything. There is nowhere to hide. The stars fall down with it never knowing where to land, where to create gigantic outbursts of life in a ground devoid of it. The emptiness churns the stomach and the blackness creates dizzying spells that leave a soul wandering aimlessly into the vast unknown.

I am lost in the middle of a desert. Running but never going far.

The moon  glows from afar, overlooking mostly nothing but this long strip of paved road that leads weary souls into the next oasis. Where it is, how far it is… is unknown, unpredictable. The lush green island comes when it’s time to see it. For now, there is nothing out there. Just sand swayed by the gentle desert wind. Temperature has fallen, inhabitants have hidden, there is nowhere to go, nothing to do but wait for the rising sun. If I were to choose my own path here, I will stop and howl into the eternal oblivion… and run like crazy, like crazy! After all, this land knows no bounds.

There is something to a night time in the desert. I scratch my nails at the glass separating me and the world outside. I breathe in, happy with the new experience. And I breathe out, frustrated that I cannot feel the earth outside and know what is hidden in there. I may never know. The light of the moon is not enough to illuminate what is happening in the vast outthere. I am contented to let the sky engulf me for the meantime. Even if it means uncertainty, a feeling I am most afraid of. For now, I am brave enough. The world is mine and it owns me.

This land opens my eyes: I am worthless. I am just a grain of sand in this world. If I’m gone, I will only create a pinch and not a ripple. No one will feel the difference, unless it’s very close to me. All the others will be in the know, but will brush me aside… like a dust in the wind. Seen for a moment, gone for eternity. Somehow though, I do not mind. Everyone else has a fate like mine. I felt my blood freezing, the cold seeping in my bones. This place offers little but offers the extremes: things I can never experience anywhere else.

I let the darkness take me…

Four hours into the travel, the sun slowly peeks in the East in front of me. I say hello and look back to the dawn behind to wave my goodbye. The sky has stopped falling and has opened up warmly. Inhabitants have risen and are going about their rounds for the day while I sit here, still on the move but not howling anymore. Still lost in the sand but armed with a new hope as wide as the sand land I see. Heat ripples aside.

Somehow, the night has left its fingers caressing the land beyond me. There’s not much of activity except for the shifting sand and the still swaying little patches of grass faraway. The sky is not clear and I doubt it if it’ll ever become clear. The flying sand has no finite directions. It goes everywhere, including the atmosphere where it mutes the sun’s rays. But the sun refuses to give in. It still shines and gives me an armful of sunlight, kissing my cheeks and drenching the ground.

By noon, it has baked much of the desert, which is used to it now. I’m not even sure if it has gone overbaked after so many centuries and is just repeating the process because there’s nothing else to be done about it. This ground is meant to be toasted for eternity. It’s not a punishment, it’s a destiny, a destiny it accepts wholeheartedly. Whoever wishes to live in this ground will have to make it their destiny too.

I wonder about the nomads. My imagination takes me into mud shacks with no address. How many people know they are living? How many people know where? If they’re lost or worst, gone, will we ever know? Did they ever think of leaving this land and searching for a greener pasture? Or is this seemingly always parched land greener than we ever think? Are they the ones lost or are we the ones missing? Living in the middle of nowhere is scary but liberating.

Freedom with no known bounds. That’s what the desert has to offer day and night. We are free to take it and bathe in its glory but the most exhilirating part? Finding our way home. Can you take on this desert’s greatest challenge?

Across the moonlit desert and into the sun… it’s a wonderful journey.

There Were Once Boys

I never thought you’ll be the ones to bring back the pieces of my broken heart. Just when I thought you were just the boys who grew up with me but never really knew me. Growing up with you is not like growing up with you at all. We spent days and nights together but you seemed distant and aloof whenever you’re around. We never played together. We made you do things you’ll probably hate us for when I let you remember.  I can count on my fingers (in one hand) the times I rode the bus or the jeepney with you. I can count the times we attended events together. You always feign indifference when I’m mentioned. I know a handful of your friends but that was it. There was never a bonding so solid that would connect our social lives together… and yet you were there for me. You are protecting me against these people who are not part of your lives but have encroached into mine. Even though you are not so vocal about it, I know you’re there. And the rare times you’re vocal about it are the times I really really appreciate and cherish.

Before, I thought that you didn’t want to be seen with me. Not when we’re walking to the shed, not when we’re riding the bus together, not when we’re watching games… not ever. I’m like the shadow you never want to see in your path. You are always walking behind me, towards the sun so I become the shadow over you. Regardless of where I walk, your shadows seem a few steps behind. There but invisible from my point of view. I know you are watching me closely from afar. Two pairs of eyes rooted on my movements but you let me be. So I guess you wanted to be seen, not with me but behind me.

Unknowingly, you gave me back what I lost. I lost my heart, my confidence, and my self-esteem over some boys and you boys brought it back to me.

Shukran katir brothers.

“…make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”

- Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

What if I’m not adventurous? Should I force myself to change my lifestyle just because someone else has a different view of getting the most out of this life? What if I find my life’s meaning and beauty in the comfort of my home and encounters with the same people I call family and friends over and over again?

We have different lives. I’m living my life with my own rules… sometimes without.

Who can say I’m living my life to the fullest? ME.

It’s my own definition.

It’s been such a long time since I wrote the last entry on this blog.

Yesterday was the halfway mark of the year. Another half of 365 days and 2009 will be over. Oh, how time flies!  There were a lot of quotes that I could have used to introduce this piece but because they’re so many, I can’t think of one appropriate right now. I’m lost for words and out of breath just looking back on how my first year in Saudi Arabia went. It was something I have never expected. I changed in more ways than I can never imagine. I surprised myself. One year in the desert kingdom has taught me a lot of things. It opened my eyes to lots of realities that I would never have known if I stayed in the beloved country. This, by far, is the best travel I’ve gone to. I should thank my wanderlust for this.

I’m living with my parents now. Such independence, yes? Haha! Believe it or not, I don’t care if this is not other’s idea of independence. Who cares? I’m happy living under my parents’ supervision because 1. I’ve never lived in a house where both my parents are there. Maybe I did but that was before I turned 5 and my memory’s cloudy on that part of my childhood. My father has always been in Saudi Arabia for as long as I can remember, 2. I wanted this. I needed this. I super want and need this setup. I took this leap of faith a year ago because I wanted and needed to be with my father. I’m sure my other siblings feel the same way. 3. I can move around Riyadh freely. Because of the unusual rules of this place, I need my parents so I can go everywhere, any where I want to go to. Believe me, you will not dare yourself to take the cab alone if you’re a girl. And with this place’s smooth highways and nasty drivers, hay, I’m better off riding in a car with my father or driver (a Pakistani) on the wheel, 4. I feel so blessed and lucky. I know I’m already blessed before but being here reinforces that feeling and I feel great.

Hmn, what changes?

1. I’m not so afraid anymore. I live by the PT motto now: Do something new or something you fear everyday. There’s no other day but today. The other night, I walked in Olaya St. alone because I need to find a bakala amid all the other nationalities (men) prowling the street and eyeing me curiously. I threw caution to the wind because I badly need load. Hah! That’s after I stared two fears in the eye: a dentist and a doctor. In my pre-Riyadh life, I would have been shaking like a leaf before the consultation but now, I waited calmly outside the clinic’s door. And I am not faking the courage. Despite the different religion in this place, I am more faithful than ever. I love my God and nothing will ever change Him in my life.

2. I have what I want and I’m thankful (more than ever). I am talking about material things because from the moment I was born, I already have the family and relatives I want and need and while growing up until now, I have the best friends ever. First and foremost, a room of my own. Not that I didn’t like sharing a room with my sisters before in Makati but having a room of my own liberates me. I can be burara (which I am not now, hooray!) and I get to clean up my own mess. I have a closet full of clothes and shoes I want. A dresser full of makeup and accessories I likely wouldn’t have in Manila. And, I have a bookshelf that is overflowing with books I bought. I wouldn’t spend a penny on them in Powerbooks or National Bookstore, there’s just no way. And, I want sunshine waking me up on weekend mornings and I have that. My very own sun country. I have embraked on photography workshops and little trips that proved to be larger than what I expected. Driving and cooking, you’re up next!

3. I am in a relationship. The more complicated the better. Hehe, just kidding. Most friends know that I am NBSB and I am not ashamed of that. Whether you think it’s by choice or by chance, I don’t care. I know my reasons (or the lack thereof) and I hate being redundant. Anyway, I am in a relationship right now and I’m thankful that this guy came into my life and that I am in this experience. I will be learning lots, that’s for sure.

4. I love me. That is not said in a selfish way. I am making efforts on the looks department by an overhaul in my fashion style and makeup habits. I have been investing a lot for my physical insecurities to go away. I know insecurities are just in the mind but an improvement in appearance really boosts confidence levels. I know I’m yet to become fit and healthy. I am working on it. Promise.

5. Work is not work. I am having fun in my work and my workplace. I feel it inconsiderate to call it work when I’m having so much fun doing it. Okay, so maybe not really the work part but with the officemates and boss I have, I can’t help but feel really really lucky. Remember what I’ve gone through to be here? Well, this is worth it. My work before seems like eons ago, if not for the people who I’ve worked with then. And despite the “work,” I’m still tied to my writing craft via our blog and my blogs.

There are more points to be said and be shared but I am stopping here. For now. I learned lots, and I am still learning. Isn’t it that life is a constant learning experience? Well, this is is. I am living. Thank you God.