Almost Grasped, But Not Quite

Tonight, at exactly 10:36 pm, I was suddenly hit by the urge to call on my friends to have a coffee night. They can choose where but I’m betting it’ll be in Starbucks Waltermart as always. But of course, it’s impossible. Okay, it is possible but it means spending over 30,000 pesos, which I don’t have, and traveling a thousand miles in nine hours, which will set me off in a frenzy of explaining, booking, packing, and flying. By the time I’ll be home, the urge has probably left me and I’ll start wondering WTF have I done!

Homesickness is the number one enemy of people abroad. It’s like leaving your heart and mind in the Philippines and bringing just yourself - your skills and physical strength - in the foreign land. Lucky for me, homesickness only hits me once a month, sometimes it doesn’t even come because I’m too busy enjoying my days. But homesickness hits hard even if it hits only once a month. Most of the time, it hits whenever I am waiting in the shed at the hospital when the sun is setting somewhere in the sand-filled sky. I’m surprised it hit me tonight. I guess I should stop reading Pinoy blogs that remind me so much of places we used to go to. Freakin’ blogosphere! Haha.

But thanks to the blogosphere, my top 10 things to do when I go home to Pinas is already on the works. I’m excited!
*****

It’s 2009 and guess what? I have no resolutions again whatsoever. But, I have a vision board so I guess that’s better right? One thing though, I didn’t really emphasize the need to improve my attitude on the board but I will tell you anyway what I plan to do with my bad behavior. Yeah, here and now.

Okay first, I will stop being mataray. When people get intimidated by my looks because yeah, I look mataray, I let them overcome the initial impression by uh, making them see that I, standing or sitting in the corner, am approachable. That doesn’t really seem to work because my entirety in events usually gives off the “WTH am I here?!” impression almost always. So from now on, I will look more approachable, promise. I still don’t know how to do that but I will! Okay, okay… instead of “I will stop being mataray,” I will just lessen my being mataray. Sounds good? Yes.

Second, I will stop being sarcastic. This one is difficult, as in, because I tend to be sarcastic to people who think I do not know what they’re thinking…. which are most of the guys I talk with. Boys irk me, I’m sorry. Three-fourth of the male population regard themselves highly and c’mon let’s face it… guys are egoistic. So sometimes, their egos must be crushed so they become humble. But okay fine, I will stop being sarcastic because I am now willing to leave the egos with the guys. After all, that’s probably all they have. (Oh yeah, I forgot… the remaining fourth of the male population are not well, “male.” Gosh, who’s left?) Okay, okay… instead of “I will stop being sarcastic,” I will just be subtle and gentle in my sarcasm.

And you think there’s a third? There probably is but I haven’t thought of it yet. Maybe later.

Oh yeah, I should be more hardworking this year… because it’s the year of the ox. I should do the things I can do today rather than put them off til tomorrow. So how about the thinking of more resolutions now? Right, right on!

Another resolution is… I will sleep more (and on time).

Zzzzz.

Here’s an interesting bit a friend forwarded me:

VIRGO
The Perfectionist

Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worrier. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.

Okay, I really don’t believe in horoscopes and zodiacs but why are all these descriptions so damn applicable to me? (I’m a Virgo born August 26.) You can replace the “Virgo” part with “Janelle” and the whole thing will still be true! Haha. Sooo cool!

Jaja’s Diary, March 13, 2008 10:07 pm.

I am writing this now because I feel that this is the right time to write it. I couldn’t bring myself to explain before because well, there’s really no explanation needed although I know I owe it to those sincere people who care for me. I also don’t want to sound bitter and ranting just because the experience was still so fresh then. I want to sort things out first and find the real reasons and so, almost three months later, yes, I am writing this. An article about me quitting my JOB.

I’ve completely ran out of reasons then. It wasn’t even a forsaken place. It was a happy place with orange walls until the creative people complained how the color kept on intruding with their work, which heavily relies on the proper shading and lighting of things. They replaced the walls with a gloomy color of gray. The color of prison walls. PRISON, period.But it wasn’t then that the gloominess started. There’s always been an air of hunger and pain there, like feeling alone every time even though you’re surrounded with happy people. It bothered me non-stop!

There’s no denying that I’ve been wounded in that place. I left with bruises and scars that are invisible to the naked eye but people who know me, whose eyes have seen me at my best and worst, know how everything felt for me. I’ve had my shares of angst. The list goes on and on. I spent numerous coffee nights wasting the time of my friends ranting about how this and that don’t work at all or how some people shouldn’t be like that. For quite sometime, the quote “If it’s taking all your strength, if it’s killing your heart, if it’s making you bear too much pain, and it’s making you ignore everything else… make sure it’s worth it. Otherwise, let it go…,” circled my brain like a merry-go-round, stopping only to take in more passengers who shared the same thought. I know my brain and heart traded places somewhere in the middle. I forgot to think, I forgot to feel. I forgot who I really am in the midst of rigodons. In two years, I lost a part of me.

But I also found new fragments of myself that I didn’t know existed. I’ve always thought pessimism worked for me: I was shocked when someone told me I am so optimistic. My yarn of patience gets consumed easily: but I learned to be patient. I learned to wait. I learned to give other people chances. I learned to give myself a chance because people gave me a chance to prove myself. And more than all that, I realized my high school ambition. I already reached my dream of working in this kind of field, a somewhat fantasy when you started as a simple clueless probinsyana like me. Who would have thought? And so, bruises and scars aside, I learned. Somehow, all the knowledge, skills, and pieces of advice and support compensates for the wounds. What it can probably never heal is one broken heart and a spirit fading away slowly with the crumbling of integrity and dignity, two things that I am holding unto ever since the journey started.

Somewhere down the road, I promised myself to serve the place with everything I have. To give myself to an institution, its products, and its people but further down the road, I broke my promise. I realized I cannot belong to anyone else but myself. Staying and leaving, all the reasons to do so stems form myself. Choices and decisions, whatever they are, are made by me for me. And so yes, I chose to leave because somehow I felt the need to save myself. “If I stayed, I would have shut down, system by system.” And that will be fine, only if it will matter. Sadly, I know it won’t.

Don’t get me wrong. My reason is not the reason of the others who went before me. I am not going because I hold a grudge against anyone or anything. I am not happy to leave. A part of me has been in denial for the past months, that’s why it also took me this long to move. I’ve cried and cried over this decision countless times. It’s not as if it was that easy. It hurts me the more the date closes in. It was painful. It still is painful.

I am grateful for the opportunities. In such a young age, I was given more than I have expected in a job. I was trained by a few of the most hardworking and smartest people in this world. I have travelled to places, met lots of people, gained many insights… and I have enjoyed them all.

Needless to say, leaving is my failure. It is my loss. I could never find people like them in my whole life ever again. I could never laugh the same way I laughed with them in an environment like ours. I am afraid of being forgotten. That once I leave, they’ll all moved on without thinking of me. Not one bit. But I’ve come to terms with that already. I know that it can and will probably happen. But there’s no turning back. Right now, I want to think that even though that’s the case, this is still the best decision I ever made.

Yes, it’s one of the most difficult decisions ever. It wouldn’t be that hard if there are no people involved but there are and this is the reality of life. I’m out of reasons now. I can’t come up with the right words, the right thoughts but I know they understand. It’s something that has been lingering for too long as a thought. It’s time to make it a reality. Yes, it is now or never.

So after all this nobela-like piece, what is the reason then? The biggest one of them all? It was more of a personal move rather than professional. It was not about the work. It’s about being given a once in a lifetime opportunity. I am making a huge leap of faith. The good thing about it is that there are people who are taking this leap with me.

One thing I can say, the passion isn’t lost. It’s burning now more than ever.

Lovingly dedicated to the Janelle Vales of 2008.

There’s a lot of things to be said about my 2008 but two things I’ve done highlight it: QUIT and MOVE ON.

In 2008, I took two of the biggest leaps of faith in my 23 years of existence (if not the only ones)…

I quit my job and moved on by going abroad!

I never really said it out loud in my online homes because well, at first I didn’t want anything pre-empted. And when it finally pushed through, I sort of forgot I was supposed to tell. There’s actually an entry in my draft folder here that says it all but I never got around to publishing it.

Last February 2008, I decided I’ve had enough and quit my 2-year stint as an editorial staff of a magazine publishing company in Makati. Though it was hard leaving the (very few) lovely people I worked with everyday and the highly-interesting work that I had, I just had to do it. It’s not as if it was an impromptu decision anyway. I’ve been mulling about it since November of 2007 and when I finally realized it’s to be done, I took matters into my own hands and sort of “created” or “forced” an opportunity so darn reasonable (even if I really don’t need more reasons to leave because there’s more than enough) there’ll be no more excuses to stay.

So there, I quit. Most people were surprised because I didn’t tell them earlier, unlike the rest of the people who have gone before me (or some still there, ehermn) who had this habit of dropping hints that they’ll be resigning every minute that I actually start praying they go so they won’t repeat their mantra of resigning over and over again to my already ringing ears! Whining and ranting were just too much for my eardrums. It’s calming to know I made the decision on my own and not because of the sulsol coming from people who are bitter about their (ex)jobs. If I hated my job then I didn’t need to hear about it from others. I KNEW!

So after that, what? Of course, I had a plan. After all, I forced an opportunity didn’t I? Only a few people knew that my next step was to go abroad. That’s not because I hate my homeland nor am I jumping into the migration craze. I’m just that stubborn. So I weighed my options and zeroed in on one country that people will never guess where. But of course to some it was just plain obvious… SAUDI ARABIA.

The main reason why I chose this ultra-conservative country is my father. He’s been working in Saudi Arabia for almost 20 years now and it’s time that the family be with him since he doesn’t have any plans of retiring any time soon. Hehe. (Baka daw lalong tumanda pag na-tengga! Hehe.) Besides, it was the easiest (sort of) country to go to with him there. The paper work was not a breeze but considering the fact that I started working on my documents early February and left early May, I think that was fast. (Except on the part where they placed “wife” on my visa instead of “daughter,” which delayed my original April flight.)

I flew on a Saudia plane*cough, first class, cough* bound for Riyadh, Saudi Arabia last May 9, 2008 and landed at the King Khaled International Airport on the dawn of May 10. My fingers were crossed all the time. I was almost certain something will go wrong with my entry in the Kingdom. My head was working overtime, playing the worst kinds of scenarios I can get into once I reach immigration. Well, aside from the officer who placed me in lines after lines, I cleared the counters in no time. (Er, make that an hour and a half because the lines are long and the officers are having nice little chit chats with each other while drinking coffee.) So yeah, I haven’t looked back since I went out that stained glass door at the airport.

I gave myself time to settle in, to feel my surroundings and to breathe (I choked on sand afterwards because I arrived during the summer, the hottest time of the year in the desert!). I started doing this and that, went with the flow, and finally found a routine. I found a job and got to know fantastic people. I got immersed into this country’s culture that the abaya, yes the black cloth worn by women here, practically acts as my second skin (or make that third after the clothes, hehe, or fourth, whatever). It wasn’t that easy really because it’s a total 180 degree turn from the Pinoy lifestyle I’m very much accustomed to - from the religion to the clothes to the traffic rules (or the non-existence of it) to the anti-social lifestyle. It also gets boring now and then but I can pretty much manage. The good thing is I sort of prepared for this. I researched (OC-ness!) and asked people who’ve been around (even bought a book which I haven’t opened in er, six months!). Besides, the parents are here (my mother arrived three months after) which makes going around a lot easier except when the father doesn’t feel like going out and roaming around in a direction-less fashion (i.e. shopping). The older brother is also here. He actually managed to bring his ass here a month after I arrived and work for real! Yey! Hahaha! Of course I miss a lot of my family and friends but I can, surprisingly, handle the homesickness well considering the fact that I’m an emotional wreck when it comes to being apart and all. It’s more than half a year now and surprise, surprise, I’m still here! Haha! I realized that I’m tougher and stronger than what I perceived my self to be.

Now, I am living a life in a new somewhere. It’s basically a better me in a new place (I hope! Hahaha! My fingers are crossed!). I will improve myself this year. Swear! I really, really will! It’s been a good 2008.

Bumpy, yes, but when I let the good Lord took the wheel from me, everything fell into its perfect place. I’m grateful to Him and to all the people who prayed for me and wished me well… and continue to do so.

Thank you, thank you.

*Entries in the category “Glimpses of an Old Life in a New Place” are experiences in this land.