Almost Grasped, But Not Quite

Of embellished gowns, scalding water, and high-tech chores.

I still trip on the goddamn cloth, especially when I’m climbing a flight of stairs. I always have to tug it upward so I can see my shoes landing on the tiled floor instead on the outer garment. Gawd, it’s an effort to look un-stupid. Thankfully, my face hasn’t tasted the concrete yet. I don’t wish it happening ever. I’m thinking I can "work it, girl." Really soon.

Regardless of the inefficient way I’m handling it, sometimes, I welcome the change.  I can see the world without it looking at me. I can peek and stare, I can leave long lingering looks (out of curiosity most of the time). I don’t have to pull off a fabulous look everytime I go out, (not that I ever pulled it off before) especially when it’s just a walk to the corner for bread or for groceries. I wouldn’t have to worry about people thinking how lousy I look or how I’m so out of place. I belong. Even if I’m awkward and still learning to walk in a gown. Darn it!

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I burn my skin and I’m not even asking for a tan. I get it without lazing on the beach all day. For free. As long as I like. And even if I don’t like it. I have no choice. I am greeted by the heat once I get out. How can I miss summer when I’m living it every day of my life? Oddly enough, the sun is not shining bright. I don’t even divert my gaze when I look at the ball of fire. Its brilliance is muted by dust and sand.

It’s the water that burns me. It’s so hot I don’t even need to use the warmer. The "cold" water is hot enough, sometimes it even gets unbearably hot. One time, I was washing the dishes. I thought the warmth was natural but then I couldn’t feel my hands anymore. They were numb from the heat. I stopped washing and inspected my red pulsating skin. "Cold" water can do this? I guess my skin would peel off if I turn the red faucet knob. And then one time I was taking a bath. The shower works fine and I was enjoying the respite when I felt my scalp warming up, my roots aching. I immediately pulled back before the hot water creates a bald look for me.

This is something I can’t get used to. Who gets used to using hot water for washing?!

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My weekends are now spent at home. Unusual for someone who has been out every Saturday and Sunday with friends. Before, I believed that those who are out on weekends then suddenly became homebound are only those who get married. Apparently, there are also those who are forced by culture and tradition to stay at home. Not that "marriage" is not "culture and tradition."

I hate it when they leave me alone at home, as if I’m the only one who’s doesn’t have the right to go.. Which I’m now really thinking to be most likely the defense the men in my life would tell me. "You’re not allowed in the place where we’re going." Okay fine. Go, leave me alone. I’m fine moping around the house and being "independent." Grr.

When I’m in the mood, I cheer up because of the "independence" thought. I have all the time and place in the world to learn new things and improve on things I already knew. I do the laundry (thank god for the automatic washing machine), I iron the clothes (thank god for Downy), and I clean my room (thank god for vacuum cleaners). Come to think of it, doing the house chores is my preparation for the domesticated life… and so I will immediately stop doing them and start budgeting to pay a maid’s salary instead. Haha. No domesticated life for me in the near future. Who knows?

I miss a lot of people right now.

There’s someone who just went away. She’s fulfilling a dream and I am happy for her. It’s been her dream since early last year and now, it’s finally coming true. She’s going far away and I can only wish that I can go and visit her one of these days, when she’s already settled. I’ll always support you, girl, the way you have always been supportive of me. Good luck, Jamie! Ilavshu!

A coffee night is an essential part of my life. To say that I’m missing those nights is not enough to describe the longing everytime I pass by a coffee shop in this new place. And it’s not easy you know, because every corner of this freakin’ city has a coffee shop! (Of course, Starbucks, being the most famous.) There’s even a coffee shop below the new flat! Aaack! And I can’t go on having coffee nights here. Duh, alone?! Haha! Remember, it’s not about the coffee for me. I am sure missing the ka-Seasons. I know, I know, you also miss me, hehe, but I’m missing you all more.

I don’t text often nowadays because it’s costly. Hehe. And for a working girl, it’s a huge dent in the pocket and so to my high school girl friend who’s always been there for me, I am sorry for not being the texter that I usually am. I sure would love to call and text everyday but I can’t. I know you understand. The same way you have always understood my calms and whims. Lavz yah, Cath! (And Mayer, you too.

I don’t have the chance to log in to YM always that’s why I sneak whatever free time I have to just visit once in a while. I am grateful for people who "talk" with me there. That’s a nice Buzz I’d love to hear. I’d love to hear from everyone. Pero kung wala kang magandang sasabihin at mambwibwisit ka lang, wag na lang diba? Minsan lang ako mag-YM, kaya wala akong panahon sa mga wala namang matitinong sasabihin.

Which ’segways’ me to this…

And there are some people who I will never miss.

Now I can finally say that I never want to go back to that place again. They taught me a lot of valuable lessons, yes, by hurting and scarring me. Why can’t they just leave a little bit of a "good" reputation in my memory? Why do they have to ruin everything? It’s easy to move on but these people, they won’t let you unless they make sure they create one more trouble for you, even if you’re long gone and far away. They are continously sucking whatever drive is left in me. I have lots of wounds that never really healed on that place. They just looked like scars now but they sure hurt like hell still. I AM NOT LOOKING BACK. (At that point on my life.)

I can still dance to the beat, or hum it. The trickle of water gives a
tone away and my early Friday morning is enveloped with music. I love
listening to a rainy day inside my cube. I just knew it, coffee and
donuts later…

It’s a nice thought, really, considering that it
could have happened again only if I were at the right place at the
right time. But I’m not and so I’m confined into just imagining walking
down a street with drops of rain hanging on to my lousy hair, pushing
the glass door, and shaking the wave of cold as I enter a warmly-lit
coffee shop. I order an iced latte. Still iced, even though it’s cold
outside. The Queen will always be iced.

It’s been two months. I
didn’t know it was that short. I thought I already spent a year gazing
out outside with longing eyes. I’ve adjusted quite nicely, considering
the culture shock I should have gone through. I think I prepared well
enough for this journey. Those sleepless nights have done me good. Now,
I’m waking up easier than before. I no longer wake up toying with the
idea to call in sick just thinking how my day can stretch on and on to
midnight. Now I’m thinking, "This will gonna be a short day." And it is
really a short day. I’m living shorter nights also because I made it a
point to sleep 11 o’clock in the evening. No more, no less. A progress
from the two in the morning rest (I refuse to call it a sleep) I had
before.

There
are days when I’m hoping I can do this and that, the old habits. But
I’ve also prepared for it. I keep on telling myself I already knew this
will come along and so I deal with it. I keep on repeating "this is
what you want, this is what you wished for," and it settles my nerves.
I would apologize for the outburst and go back to treating each day as
an adventure, regardless of the routine that had formed. Even though I
usually become just an afterthought to my friends now, what can I do?
Theirs is a busy life and a life kilometers away can find solace in the
outskirts of the hustle and bustle of daily living.

Coffee and donuts (and yes, even the rain) can come later…