REMEMBERING
"Sharing tales of those we’ve lost is how we keep from really losing them."
How many times have I uttered your name since the new year started? Unfortunately, I think I haven’t. But that is not to say that I do not remember you. I do. It’s just that I do not talk about you anymore because there was no one around to talk about you with. The friends have come and gone. Like you did. It’s just more unfortunate that they did the same thing when they’re still here, roaming this earth with me.
I think your best friend (whom also is one of my best friends) remembers you more than I do. We talk about you also. Sometimes, or more like once in a blue moon. Wonder if you ever think of us and look over us. You know, the friends and I are living separate lives now. We’re not that tight-packed like before. I’d like to think it’s because of distance but I think it goes with the growing up thing. I’m sad it did but it’s inevitable. You didn’t need to go through all this. You’ll get hurt more than we are now. Considering your status then. But I’m still asking why He didn’t let you experience a happy ever after first before taking you away. You were in the middle of your personal life battles then, weren’t you? Why wasn’t there any chance given for you to straighten things out? Why were you taken away so early?
It’s amusing that I still ask these questions even though it’s been two years since. Two years lang ba? It seems longer. The world has rotated and revolved and you faded away with all the turning. I’m sorry, it shouldn’t have happened. It shouldn’t have been you. This world is unfair. You deserve happiness. But I’m guessing that’s the point. You deserve a happiness that this unfair world couldn’t give you.
I still remember you. I will always do.
Fleeting.
GoodNight.
VAGABOND
Thanks to a Kaseason’s gift, I saw the light. It gave me all the reasons to feel good about my decision. Well even though without it, I already feel I did the right thing. I only needed one reason for me to know it was worth it. But the book gave me all the other reasons I didn’t even think of. I feel better, stronger, and prouder of myself.
Where will I start? And when? I still haven’t gathered my thoughts, which I left scribbled on my notebook two weeks ago. They’re waiting for me to be ready. To finally find the time and the means to put them together in one coherent story, a trying hard coherent story. Really, there’s so much to say but it’s either I couldn’t find my words yet or they have already gone because each day proved to be overloaded with new things and experiences that I can’t seem to fit them all in my brain. I think I’ve used up every single brain cell I have.
Let me just borrow the words from the book the friends gave me: "When we allow ourselves to imagine as we once did, we know, with a sudden jarring clarity, that if we don’t go right now, we’re never going to do it. And we’ll be haunted by our unrealized dreams, and know that we have sinned against ourselves gravely."
I have surprised myself by walking away calmly. Yes, I frequently walk away but certainly far from walking away calmly. I didn’t think I have this kind of courage in me to rage in the direction of my dreams. To leave behind a huge piece of me and take a life weighing just 10 kilograms into a packing, stuffing, buckling, zipping, storing, and whisking away motion in one day. It’s just that I realized that this is not only my dream, this is the deam of the people who love me genuinely. The courage stemmed from their unwavering support. Never did people close to me showed their qualms and doubts in my choices. They just said yes, go for it. And so I took myself by surprise and well, I also took others by surprise.
For those who are undergoing the brain-numbing making of choices, here’s something from the book, which I hope will make things easier (though it wouldn’t make that big of a difference, try anyway): DON’T WAIT AROUND, DON’T GET OLD AND MAKE EXCUSES. THE ONLY WAY YOU’LL FIND OUT IS TO GO.
