Almost Grasped, But Not Quite

For May 30… I might not be online that day so I’m posting this now.

"As doctors, as friends, as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. Just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. It knocks you off your feet. If you’re lucky, you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear, and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip of the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal."

It’s almost a year now. Were the days really that fast? I guess so. So many things have happened since you left.
Now that I think about it, if the events and trips we’ve gone to is a measurement of moving on, then we successfully did it. Should I say we’re sorry? We better. But not for moving on. Maybe for some other things, which you already know by now. Anyway, we’re sure you’re better there. Happier, yes?

Sometimes, it still feels surreal for a moment but we blink our eyes and realize it’s nowhere near a dream. The accident, it happened. Whenever we’re home, we always catch ourselves casting long lingering looks on that road where they said you began losing it. And of course, there’s that small road heading to your house. The same road we refused to traverse a year ago. We can barely remember how we managed to lift our feet to get near you. That day was the slowest day of our lives. The weeks that followed was a torment. More so the days that followed your last day. There’s always that empty feeling. (I, for one, know that I was never there for you.) But soon, the days turned into different shades of emotions. Now, we’re still not over it. (I guess we’ll never get over it.) But we healed a little. You left strong friends here, you know. We talk about you still. We reminisce. We cry inside but we laugh more now. No more regrets.

Well, I’m the only one writing about you because I’m the only one who’s really into writing. I’m sure the others will do something to commemorate this day. The others have talents all of their own. Maybe Mae will sing for you instead. Or Cath can draw you. They’re better at those. As for me, this is all I’ve got. (Unless you’ll settle for my trying hard version of a song and a mural. Haha!)

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this as if you’ll be able to read it. I guess it’s for the same reason why I wrote this a year ago. I hope there’s Internet there. Haha.

It’s hard to believe that it’s all over and we’ve moved on but we can always remember.

The rider to my Waiting For A Ride.

(Read Waiting For A Ride first before proceeding to the entry below.)

I stood there for a moment. Lost in my own thought. Where the heck am I going? While my heart and mind are debating, my body felt a nudge from behind. “What the heck is going on?” I heard someone shouted at the back. Uhuh, I was blocking their way into the bus. The stares behind me and those I can see from the inside of the bus put so much pressure into my already nervous self. Argh. Why can’t I decide faster?

I stepped into the first step up the bus.

And then, I made another step… down.

I was back on the roadside and giving way to the other passengers. I turned around and watched as people went in the bus and took their seats. When the last man boarded the bus, everyone looked at me as if giving me another chance to reconsider. Should I reconsider? I felt a tug somewhere deep inside me but I didn’t move. I just stood on my spot until the bus began to move slowly away from the waiting shed. Some of the passengers looked at me sadly. “Male-late ka,” was the phrase probably running on their minds. Others seemed hopeful and they beamed at me, “May susunod pa.”

I took my seat again at the shed. I looked around. There’s no one left on the shed. No one left waiting but me. What have I done? I couldn’t think clearly now but not boarding the bus feels right. Though it doesn’t really mean it’s the right thing to do. But I would never know what could have happened if I boarded right? I made a choice and right now, that choice is all that I have. Better stick to it then.

Now, I’m waiting again.

For an airplane, perhaps?

Election day is over. Sad to say, I didn’t get to vote. Sayang naman.
I’m registered in La Union but I didn’t have the chance to go home over
the weekend. So, there. Just out of curiosity, I tried the COMELEC’s
text service which will help me locate my precinct number. Here’s what
it sent me:

Hi JANELLE ABENES VALES. You are a registered voter!
Your Precinct No. is 0143B. Province: LA UNION. City or Municipality:
BAUANG. Barangay: PAYOCPOC SUR. Your polling place is PAYOCPOC SUR
BRGY. HALL.

I think they got it right. Even though I couldn’t
remember my last election’s precinct number before I inquired via text,
every detail came back to my (failing) memory when I read 143. I
remembered laughing when I got my precinct number last presidential
elections. For obvious [143] meaning reasons. Hahaha! My grandmother
and I vote on the same precinct so it wasn’t really necessary for me to
ask. Trip lang. Hehe.

Anyway, even though it’s just one lone
vote, I feel awful that I didn’t execute my right. Argh! To think that
I was rooting for Joker Arroyo, a human rights defender. Pag hindi sya
nanalo, I’ll blame myself. Hahaha! Just kidding. (My motto: If you
didn’t vote, you don’t have the right to complain. In the long run,
there will be a day you’ll proudly say… Sabi ko naman sa inyo, wag
iboto yan eh. Buti pa yung binoto ko…)

When it comes to our
local politicians… what can I say? Everytime I go home in La Union, I
couldn’t really see major changes. Plus, sorry, I just hate political
families and dynasties so much. Kahit na sabihin pang may nagawa silang
mabuti or magaling silang mamuno, they don’t have the right to
monopolize power. What if there’s someone who can do better? Worse is
that, paano na lang kung generations of trapos pala ang pamilya na yun?
O.M.G. Bless us!

Enough of politics. The votes have been cast.
All I can do now is pray for a non-violent counting. Let’s wait for the
winners. For the losers, unless you have major (and very obvious)
grounds to file complaints that you’ve been cheated, just accept your
loss whole-heartedly.

———————————————————————

I’m
beginning to see the world in a happy person’s eyes. Slowly but I’m
getting there. Sure, you wouldn’t see me as the giggly girl who smiles
and laughs out loud every moment you see me because I’m still bitchy
and sarcastic, but I’d like to think I’m giving happiness a chance this
time. Besides, I have dreams to remember.

I’m still running away but I’m running away happy.

  greensalad.multiply.com
dietquote.wordpress.com
ilovejourneys.livejournal.com  

Why do I believe in miracles?

There’s one woman in my and my siblings’ young lives that made a difference. She came home from the United States of America after several years to live on the house she mainly financed to be built. She was a cancer survivor and I still can remember the wigs she wore to hide her bald head. Bald because of the painful chemotherapy she had undergone since she was diagnosed with breast cancer years before.

When she came and lived with us in La Union, this woman taught us the Bible, the rosary, and the Holy Eucharist. Yes, she was a strict lady reminiscent of the old women you usually see in the church. But she’s the type who gave out one dollar in exchange for letters we sent her when she was still in the States. Good thing, I was an ardent letter-writer. Haha!

Every afternoon, after coming home from school, we would knock on her room’s door and stay with her for the afternoon’s Bible story-telling. I was amazed with Jonah and his forty days inside the whale’s belly. I was awed by the righteous Tobit. I was dismayed when Job’s wife looked back thus she turned into stone. I was inspired by so many Biblical characters that I began reading the colorfully-illustrated Bible she gave my aunt and uncle as a wedding present. I would have grown up ignoring these historical Church figures if not for her.

I remember every summer morning, really early morning… she would wake us up from our deep slumbers and ask us to take a bath and get dressed. We’re going to mass. I hated those mornings that’s why before I sleep at night, I usually cook up some alibis to prevent myself from going. Will I fake sickness? Will I lock our door so she couldn’t come in? Will I act deaf to her pleas and insensitive to her nudgings? You know what, my alibis seem to not always work. Primarily because I didn’t use them. Somehow, I couldn’t lie to her. I just couldn’t. I won’t deny the fact that sometimes, I dozed off inside the church but I managed to finish all masses that I’ve ever attended with her without embarrassing my clan.

Come six o’clock pm, she would gather us kids (5 of us) and sometimes, our parents and uncles and aunts, too, to pray the rosary in the mini chapel that we have at home. She would assign us to lead one mystery each. This is the main reason why I can enumerate the mysteries of the rosary anytime, anywhere even before I learned them in school. I memorized all 3 sets of them with all my heart and soul. I also know how to make a rosary out of a ball of yarn and a handful of beads using a technique similar to crocheting when trying knots. The rosary habit at home turned into a neighborhood affair when she called on our playmates (mostly our kid neighbors) to join the rosary-praying. Soon, we’re having rosaries at home every six o’clock with children living as far as five blocks away. I think they mostly enjoyed the merienda we offer after. Regardless, these kids were also taught how to pray the rosary. I hope they still do.

I also believe in miracles because of her. Before I even experienced life’s miracles, she already told me about them. How it happened to her and her family. She told us the miracles of Our Lady of Fatima, our Lady of Medjurgorje, and the saints. She told us of apparitions that she and her siblings (my maternal grandmother is one of her sisters) have seen when they were teenagers on their old home (a house that up to this time still stands proud). She shared with us the miracle of life that she herself experienced. Having gone through several experiences as a cancer patient, she exuded the aura of a person touched by God’s loving hands. No matter what her pains are, they were overshadowed by the hope pouring out of her heart. I admire her courage and strength. Until now. We grew up to be God-fearing individuals because of her.

She was strong, even at her hour of death. I was there inside her room when she breathed her last. And I remembered going down the stairs with my siblings and cousins after seeing that unforgettable one moment in time without really knowing what to feel. When I sat down on our little rattan rocking chair, that’s when I cried. It was the first death in our immediate family and the first which happened inside our home. After her burial, we would smell sampaguita and a wisp of smoke coming from a candle, which was non-existent, on the terrace. We know, it was her way of making her presence felt but that was gone in a matter of three days. She bid goodbye forever.

We used to believe that her lucky number was 8 because that number usually pops up on important stages of her life… like she was born January 8, and died 8:08pm of May 8, 1994.

Today, I commemorate her death anniversary.

Now that we’re all grown up, we’ve all matured in beliefs and virtues but we’re still God-fearing as ever. I think that wouldn’t change at all. I learned a lot from our Lola Billy, one of my maternal grandaunts. 

I know you’re watching over us. We love and miss you.

1. guts (to even think of pursuing me… those who dare are given a chance, haha!)

1. kiber!

Note: Napaghahalatang mahilig ako sa tv series! Hahaha!

1. Anj (dahil hindi pa yata n’ya sinasagot ‘to)
2.
Kel (dahil alam kong magwawala yun sa kasasagot nito, mumurahin nya ako
dahil sinasayang nya ang oras nya sa ganitong questionnaire)
3. Ryan (dahil mageenjoy sya sa pagsagot nito… orally nga lang. hindi yun mageeffort mag-type)
4. Candice (ibang sagot naman, lola! the second time’s a killer!)
5. Cath (dahil hindi s’ya mahilig sumagot nito kaya I’m sure maloloka s’ya)
6. Donna (pero baka nasagot na n’ya ‘to dahil madalas syang sumagot ng surveys sa Friendster)
7.
—– (isang someone ni Candice na gusto nyang sumagot nito pero dahil
hindi pa sila friend noon, hindi nya nailagay sa sagot nya sa listahan
n’ya… at dahil hindi ko pwedeng ilagay ang pangalan n’ya dito,
wishful thinking na lang ‘to.)