I’ve been having too many lattes recently. That’s a bad sign.

In my former days as editorial supervisor in Manila, I stop by Starbucks frequently in the morning when I’m bummed about something or when I’m feeling low (not depressed because frankly, I don’t think I’ve ever been depressed… not that I want to be). The simple latte or the White Chocolate Mocha became my comfort drink during uh, stressful times. I wanted to start my morning with a jolt of sweetened caffeine just to perk me up for the day. There were times that I got really sad for consecutive days prompting an office mate to quip that I’m rich because I go to work with a latte on hand almost everyday. If only she knew that I didn’t mean to make it a routine. I didn’t want to feel blah.

To say that I’m down in the dumps lately is an insult to the life I have now. I should not even have the right to feel this way, considering the latest happenings in the lives of my countrymen. Who am I to whine? I was not even there in the Philippines when typhoon Ondoy wrecked Manila and nearby provinces. I was sad to see the destruction but I’m relieved the sisters, relatives, and friends are safe. It was typhoon Pepeng which agitated me more. It was my home province that was devastated by this stubborn typhoon. To think that my grandparents are the only ones living in our “ancestral” house now. The question that came to my mind when I heard that water entered our property was “What the hell am I doing here when I should have been there with them?!” You see, I grew up with my grandparents and leaving them to pursue a life away from them is something I will never forgive myself for. I’m sure they understand me but sometimes, I feel guilty. The bridge that connects La Union and Pangasinan is impassable right now. It’s as if Northern Luzon and the rest of the Mountain Province were disconnected from Luzon. And I feel I disconnected myself from my roots since I left.

It’s not just the physical distance that I’m disconnected with now. I’m also talking about the core of myself. (Shet, deep!) When I went here here in Saudi Arabia, I met lots of Filipinos. It’s been like an extension of the Philippines. Filipinos everywhere. But it felt like these Filipinos are no longer my own. During the first few months that I was here, I felt so different. My views, beliefs, and values… they have no place here. It’s a good thing my father kept his thus I felt I belong. But he is family so I really belong from the beginning. Some say that circumstances and the environment can change a person and I know by now that it did change me. I was thrown out into a world with perspectives and values that I do not believe in. I encounter more and more persons who only live for their selves, and not for their families. People who only think of what they want and need. People who only think of their happiness. But really, what they’re doing… is that wrong? Isn’t it the purpose of this life? To find our own happiness?

I discovered that I am the kind of person who takes into account the happiness of others first so the excuse “gusto ko lang maging masaya kahit na alam kong may masasaktan akong iba” is not a frakkin’ valid excuse for me. I know I am selfish when it comes to material things (and I justify that by my being “single,” LOL) but when it comes to the feelings of others, I do not take into consideration what I feel. I’m being heartful and heartless at the same time. Heartful for others but heartless for myself. I emphatize with others but I do not want to feel for me. I’m not sure what to call this. Insanity perhaps? Apathy? Anyway, that sort of took a turn. Recently, I had this stubborn urge to ignore the feelings of someone because “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” but I’m being torn apart inside by my conscience, my values, my beliefs. But I chose to ignore to discover what is it like on the other side. What if I consider my feelings first this time? Like why do I have to be so understanding and considerate?! Maybe, while doing so, I can discover who I really am because frankly, at this point in time, I have no idea anymore.

My core is shakened but I assure you, it’s not shattered. Hopefully when I get back and face all of you again, I hope you’ll see in me a maturity, a growth, a change that will surprise you but will make you proud.

Need to finish this latte for now.

I noticed that I haven’t been writing lately. And none of the writer friends are too. I’m hoping it’s not because we’re too busy nor are we beginning to forget how it feels… the moment when we take up the pen and let thoughts become words become letters.

It’s already the -ber month and I have nothing written about August, my birth month. Did you know I was born on August 26? It’s a very unfamiliar date. I remember my boss asking me on my birthday who among the famous people I’m sharing the day with. I had to stare at him blankly because somehow, no one came to mind. I’m sure there are and I’m just not aware.

25. I’m 25 years old now. 25 seems such a huge number when it comes to life years. It’s known as the quarter-life crisis but I doubt it’s still a fourth of a lifetime. I’m guessing I’m already in mid-life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy. I really am. The fact that I am no longer writing as frequently a year or so ago means I do have lesser angst and rants now. I just think that somehow, 25 becomes a turning point of our lives. 25 is the age we start asking.

I told myself I will have concrete plans and I have come up with some. They’re not as solid as I would have preferred them to be but who knows? Someone above might have other grander plans for me. I just want something to look forward to, to go to.

***

September ushers in nostalgia for me. This month fans the growing restlessness in my heart. I am aching to go home to see my family and friends. I miss the Philippines. While it’s true that I do not get homesick, I still feel the tug in my heart that home somewhere in the Pacific is waiting for me. Everyone needs to go home once in a while.

I also feel that I changed in more ways than I could ever imagine and I want them to see how different I am now since they last saw me. I’m hoping they’ll be proud of me. Two weeks before I left the Philippines last year, a friend and I were out sailing in Manila Bay at night. We saw the airplanes in the sky (a dotted light) awaiting their turn to land in NAIA from where we were seated at the back of the Manila Bay ferry. I was imagining myself to be on one of those planes, looking out on the window, anxious to arrive. I told myself…

Soon Ja, soon.

Across the Desert and Into the Sun.

The sky falls down like a huge cloak enveloping everything. There is nowhere to hide. The stars fall down with it never knowing where to land, where to create gigantic outbursts of life in a ground devoid of it. The emptiness churns the stomach and the blackness creates dizzying spells that leave a soul wandering aimlessly into the vast unknown.

I am lost in the middle of a desert. Running but never going far.

The moon  glows from afar, overlooking mostly nothing but this long strip of paved road that leads weary souls into the next oasis. Where it is, how far it is… is unknown, unpredictable. The lush green island comes when it’s time to see it. For now, there is nothing out there. Just sand swayed by the gentle desert wind. Temperature has fallen, inhabitants have hidden, there is nowhere to go, nothing to do but wait for the rising sun. If I were to choose my own path here, I will stop and howl into the eternal oblivion… and run like crazy, like crazy! After all, this land knows no bounds.

There is something to a night time in the desert. I scratch my nails at the glass separating me and the world outside. I breathe in, happy with the new experience. And I breathe out, frustrated that I cannot feel the earth outside and know what is hidden in there. I may never know. The light of the moon is not enough to illuminate what is happening in the vast outthere. I am contented to let the sky engulf me for the meantime. Even if it means uncertainty, a feeling I am most afraid of. For now, I am brave enough. The world is mine and it owns me.

This land opens my eyes: I am worthless. I am just a grain of sand in this world. If I’m gone, I will only create a pinch and not a ripple. No one will feel the difference, unless it’s very close to me. All the others will be in the know, but will brush me aside… like a dust in the wind. Seen for a moment, gone for eternity. Somehow though, I do not mind. Everyone else has a fate like mine. I felt my blood freezing, the cold seeping in my bones. This place offers little but offers the extremes: things I can never experience anywhere else.

I let the darkness take me…

Four hours into the travel, the sun slowly peeks in the East in front of me. I say hello and look back to the dawn behind to wave my goodbye. The sky has stopped falling and has opened up warmly. Inhabitants have risen and are going about their rounds for the day while I sit here, still on the move but not howling anymore. Still lost in the sand but armed with a new hope as wide as the sand land I see. Heat ripples aside.

Somehow, the night has left its fingers caressing the land beyond me. There’s not much of activity except for the shifting sand and the still swaying little patches of grass faraway. The sky is not clear and I doubt it if it’ll ever become clear. The flying sand has no finite directions. It goes everywhere, including the atmosphere where it mutes the sun’s rays. But the sun refuses to give in. It still shines and gives me an armful of sunlight, kissing my cheeks and drenching the ground.

By noon, it has baked much of the desert, which is used to it now. I’m not even sure if it has gone overbaked after so many centuries and is just repeating the process because there’s nothing else to be done about it. This ground is meant to be toasted for eternity. It’s not a punishment, it’s a destiny, a destiny it accepts wholeheartedly. Whoever wishes to live in this ground will have to make it their destiny too.

I wonder about the nomads. My imagination takes me into mud shacks with no address. How many people know they are living? How many people know where? If they’re lost or worst, gone, will we ever know? Did they ever think of leaving this land and searching for a greener pasture? Or is this seemingly always parched land greener than we ever think? Are they the ones lost or are we the ones missing? Living in the middle of nowhere is scary but liberating.

Freedom with no known bounds. That’s what the desert has to offer day and night. We are free to take it and bathe in its glory but the most exhilirating part? Finding our way home. Can you take on this desert’s greatest challenge?

Across the moonlit desert and into the sun… it’s a wonderful journey.

There Were Once Boys

I never thought you’ll be the ones to bring back the pieces of my broken heart. Just when I thought you were just the boys who grew up with me but never really knew me. Growing up with you is not like growing up with you at all. We spent days and nights together but you seemed distant and aloof whenever you’re around. We never played together. We made you do things you’ll probably hate us for when I let you remember.  I can count on my fingers (in one hand) the times I rode the bus or the jeepney with you. I can count the times we attended events together. You always feign indifference when I’m mentioned. I know a handful of your friends but that was it. There was never a bonding so solid that would connect our social lives together… and yet you were there for me. You are protecting me against these people who are not part of your lives but have encroached into mine. Even though you are not so vocal about it, I know you’re there. And the rare times you’re vocal about it are the times I really really appreciate and cherish.

Before, I thought that you didn’t want to be seen with me. Not when we’re walking to the shed, not when we’re riding the bus together, not when we’re watching games… not ever. I’m like the shadow you never want to see in your path. You are always walking behind me, towards the sun so I become the shadow over you. Regardless of where I walk, your shadows seem a few steps behind. There but invisible from my point of view. I know you are watching me closely from afar. Two pairs of eyes rooted on my movements but you let me be. So I guess you wanted to be seen, not with me but behind me.

Unknowingly, you gave me back what I lost. I lost my heart, my confidence, and my self-esteem over some boys and you boys brought it back to me.

Shukran katir brothers.

“…make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”

- Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

What if I’m not adventurous? Should I force myself to change my lifestyle just because someone else has a different view of getting the most out of this life? What if I find my life’s meaning and beauty in the comfort of my home and encounters with the same people I call family and friends over and over again?

We have different lives. I’m living my life with my own rules… sometimes without.

Who can say I’m living my life to the fullest? ME.

It’s my own definition.

It’s been such a long time since I wrote the last entry on this blog.

Yesterday was the halfway mark of the year. Another half of 365 days and 2009 will be over. Oh, how time flies!  There were a lot of quotes that I could have used to introduce this piece but because they’re so many, I can’t think of one appropriate right now. I’m lost for words and out of breath just looking back on how my first year in Saudi Arabia went. It was something I have never expected. I changed in more ways than I can never imagine. I surprised myself. One year in the desert kingdom has taught me a lot of things. It opened my eyes to lots of realities that I would never have known if I stayed in the beloved country. This, by far, is the best travel I’ve gone to. I should thank my wanderlust for this.

I’m living with my parents now. Such independence, yes? Haha! Believe it or not, I don’t care if this is not other’s idea of independence. Who cares? I’m happy living under my parents’ supervision because 1. I’ve never lived in a house where both my parents are there. Maybe I did but that was before I turned 5 and my memory’s cloudy on that part of my childhood. My father has always been in Saudi Arabia for as long as I can remember, 2. I wanted this. I needed this. I super want and need this setup. I took this leap of faith a year ago because I wanted and needed to be with my father. I’m sure my other siblings feel the same way. 3. I can move around Riyadh freely. Because of the unusual rules of this place, I need my parents so I can go everywhere, any where I want to go to. Believe me, you will not dare yourself to take the cab alone if you’re a girl. And with this place’s smooth highways and nasty drivers, hay, I’m better off riding in a car with my father or driver (a Pakistani) on the wheel, 4. I feel so blessed and lucky. I know I’m already blessed before but being here reinforces that feeling and I feel great.

Hmn, what changes?

1. I’m not so afraid anymore. I live by the PT motto now: Do something new or something you fear everyday. There’s no other day but today. The other night, I walked in Olaya St. alone because I need to find a bakala amid all the other nationalities (men) prowling the street and eyeing me curiously. I threw caution to the wind because I badly need load. Hah! That’s after I stared two fears in the eye: a dentist and a doctor. In my pre-Riyadh life, I would have been shaking like a leaf before the consultation but now, I waited calmly outside the clinic’s door. And I am not faking the courage. Despite the different religion in this place, I am more faithful than ever. I love my God and nothing will ever change Him in my life.

2. I have what I want and I’m thankful (more than ever). I am talking about material things because from the moment I was born, I already have the family and relatives I want and need and while growing up until now, I have the best friends ever. First and foremost, a room of my own. Not that I didn’t like sharing a room with my sisters before in Makati but having a room of my own liberates me. I can be burara (which I am not now, hooray!) and I get to clean up my own mess. I have a closet full of clothes and shoes I want. A dresser full of makeup and accessories I likely wouldn’t have in Manila. And, I have a bookshelf that is overflowing with books I bought. I wouldn’t spend a penny on them in Powerbooks or National Bookstore, there’s just no way. And, I want sunshine waking me up on weekend mornings and I have that. My very own sun country. I have embraked on photography workshops and little trips that proved to be larger than what I expected. Driving and cooking, you’re up next!

3. I am in a relationship. The more complicated the better. Hehe, just kidding. Most friends know that I am NBSB and I am not ashamed of that. Whether you think it’s by choice or by chance, I don’t care. I know my reasons (or the lack thereof) and I hate being redundant. Anyway, I am in a relationship right now and I’m thankful that this guy came into my life and that I am in this experience. I will be learning lots, that’s for sure.

4. I love me. That is not said in a selfish way. I am making efforts on the looks department by an overhaul in my fashion style and makeup habits. I have been investing a lot for my physical insecurities to go away. I know insecurities are just in the mind but an improvement in appearance really boosts confidence levels. I know I’m yet to become fit and healthy. I am working on it. Promise.

5. Work is not work. I am having fun in my work and my workplace. I feel it inconsiderate to call it work when I’m having so much fun doing it. Okay, so maybe not really the work part but with the officemates and boss I have, I can’t help but feel really really lucky. Remember what I’ve gone through to be here? Well, this is worth it. My work before seems like eons ago, if not for the people who I’ve worked with then. And despite the “work,” I’m still tied to my writing craft via our blog and my blogs.

There are more points to be said and be shared but I am stopping here. For now. I learned lots, and I am still learning. Isn’t it that life is a constant learning experience? Well, this is is. I am living. Thank you God.

I forgot how to write.

I’m thinking of getting off the Net for a while, Net at home that is. Ever since we had DSL at the flat, I am always, as in always, online and it’s not making me productive. That means I haven’t been doing much lately. Just surfing the net, ym-ing, and… basically that’s it. Ugh. I’m sooo slow reading my books. And I hate it because I have this habit of finishing the book I read first even though I want to read the one which I bought next. I have three books in waiting while I force myself to finish Almost Moon. Don’t get me wrong, Alice Sebold’s book is great but I don’t know which is dragging which, the plot or my days. I have my art supplies waiting in vain too. I bought and received them for Christmas but until now, I haven’t started a sketch, not even a dot. Grrr. So yeah, I better take a break from being online too much.

Right after I get home, I’ll be eating a light snack while reading and then taking a nap instead of going online. Then on to dinner and some tv time (because yeah, I haven’t watched Wowowee since er, I couldn’t remember the last time! And even if I’m not really missing the show, I miss lounging in the sofa with the people at home and being able to share what I watched with the people at work). I will try to sleep earlier too. I started last night by sleeping at 9 o’clock. It worked fine until I woke up past midnight and couldn’t sleep again til 2am! Hmn, it takes a lot of getting used to but it will work. Been there, done that.

I’m feeling sad lately. I don’t know. Maybe it’s an effect of staying at home for two days without going out… on a weekend. Bummer! Yep, I am suffering from “cabin fever.” The moment I walked out in the sun today, I squint and I realize, hey, there’s life outside! Alleluia! Gawd, I’m pathetic.

I hate not having someone to talk to. I’m madaldal and I can talk about anything under the sun, except physics and math. But this is the moment when I want a coffee night. I need it. Really, really, need it. I want to see and talk with my friends and I want my iced white chocolate mocha, thank you. I want to get drunk in the euphoria of a Friday night when everyone is going out of their work to meet up and have some fun because it’s a weekend after. I want to travel somewhere. I’ll go for an impromptu one. Zambales? Baguio? Tagaytay? Anywhere but here! Now!

Yeah I know, this is an effect of boredom. Gawd, I’m bored!

I am praying that this will pass.

Saudi Arabia is known as the world’s largest oil-producer. It’s the seat of Islam. It’s known for its vast deserts and crazy hot weather.  It’s known as the strictest and most conservative country in the world. It’s known for Osama Bin Laden, human rights violations and OFW abuses…

But did you know that you do not know anything about Saudi Arabia unless you’ve landed and lived here? Aside from the news about some of our kabayans’ sad and lonely plight in the Middle East, there is actually a life in Riyadh that doesn’t include harsh treatments every single day . Don’t be fooled by the rumors and misconception about this country. But if you have lots, then this blog is just the thing for you:

THEPINKTARHA.BLOGSPOT.COM

It’s a look on the lighter side of life in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia as told by four girl friends who are currently living and working in the Kingdom.

It’s time we all have insights about the other side of the coin, yes?

Visit now and leave a question, comment, or suggestion!

Tonight, at exactly 10:36 pm, I was suddenly hit by the urge to call on my friends to have a coffee night. They can choose where but I’m betting it’ll be in Starbucks Waltermart as always. But of course, it’s impossible. Okay, it is possible but it means spending over 30,000 pesos, which I don’t have, and traveling a thousand miles in nine hours, which will set me off in a frenzy of explaining, booking, packing, and flying. By the time I’ll be home, the urge has probably left me and I’ll start wondering WTF have I done!

Homesickness is the number one enemy of people abroad. It’s like leaving your heart and mind in the Philippines and bringing just yourself - your skills and physical strength - in the foreign land. Lucky for me, homesickness only hits me once a month, sometimes it doesn’t even come because I’m too busy enjoying my days. But homesickness hits hard even if it hits only once a month. Most of the time, it hits whenever I am waiting in the shed at the hospital when the sun is setting somewhere in the sand-filled sky. I’m surprised it hit me tonight. I guess I should stop reading Pinoy blogs that remind me so much of places we used to go to. Freakin’ blogosphere! Haha.

But thanks to the blogosphere, my top 10 things to do when I go home to Pinas is already on the works. I’m excited!
*****

It’s 2009 and guess what? I have no resolutions again whatsoever. But, I have a vision board so I guess that’s better right? One thing though, I didn’t really emphasize the need to improve my attitude on the board but I will tell you anyway what I plan to do with my bad behavior. Yeah, here and now.

Okay first, I will stop being mataray. When people get intimidated by my looks because yeah, I look mataray, I let them overcome the initial impression by uh, making them see that I, standing or sitting in the corner, am approachable. That doesn’t really seem to work because my entirety in events usually gives off the “WTH am I here?!” impression almost always. So from now on, I will look more approachable, promise. I still don’t know how to do that but I will! Okay, okay… instead of “I will stop being mataray,” I will just lessen my being mataray. Sounds good? Yes.

Second, I will stop being sarcastic. This one is difficult, as in, because I tend to be sarcastic to people who think I do not know what they’re thinking…. which are most of the guys I talk with. Boys irk me, I’m sorry. Three-fourth of the male population regard themselves highly and c’mon let’s face it… guys are egoistic. So sometimes, their egos must be crushed so they become humble. But okay fine, I will stop being sarcastic because I am now willing to leave the egos with the guys. After all, that’s probably all they have. (Oh yeah, I forgot… the remaining fourth of the male population are not well, “male.” Gosh, who’s left?) Okay, okay… instead of “I will stop being sarcastic,” I will just be subtle and gentle in my sarcasm.

And you think there’s a third? There probably is but I haven’t thought of it yet. Maybe later.

Oh yeah, I should be more hardworking this year… because it’s the year of the ox. I should do the things I can do today rather than put them off til tomorrow. So how about the thinking of more resolutions now? Right, right on!

Another resolution is… I will sleep more (and on time).

Zzzzz.

Here’s an interesting bit a friend forwarded me:

VIRGO
The Perfectionist

Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worrier. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.

Okay, I really don’t believe in horoscopes and zodiacs but why are all these descriptions so damn applicable to me? (I’m a Virgo born August 26.) You can replace the “Virgo” part with “Janelle” and the whole thing will still be true! Haha. Sooo cool!